2014 Horoscope!

2014 Horoscope!

I know, I know. I have completely neglected my blog… yet again. You can’t blame me. Schoolworks are just all in my face and then just when I have time to blog, I got sick with measles. Great. Just great.

So to compensate with my long absence, I have consulted the stars, the moon, the sun, and the planets about your fate this coming 2014.

That is why for my year-ender blog post, I am doing a horoscope based on your Chinese zodiac years, with a sociopolitical twist.

Are you ready? Here we go.

Year of the Rat
Person of the Year: Nancy Binay
Forecast: We all know the story of the rat. You are on top even though you are not supposed to be there. In short, you are in a position you clearly do not deserve (perhaps it is because you lack qualification.) My advice for you this 2014 is to stay away from village security guards, especially if with your brother, and most especially if it is a village policy to not let you pass through a certain road. Do not push yourself too hard.
Lucky Colors: Black, Dark Brown, dark colors
Lucky Number: 5

Year of the Ox
Person of the Year: Manny Pacquiao
Special Citations: Pope Francis, Freddie Aguilar
Forecast: 2013 was a nice year for you. You may have ended your losing streak, you may have found a new lover, and you may have been elected pope. Chances are your winning streak will continue this 2014. The LGBT community will love you even more. Just stay away from potential enemies who always seem to challenge you verbally, but when it comes to the real deal, backs out. I also see the need for you to convert to another religion which allows you and your lover to live a happier life away from legal authorities who may be running after you. Stay away from tax collectors.
Lucky Colors: Red, #FF0000
Lucky Numbers: 1, 16, 60
Lucky Chord: A Minor

Year of the Tiger
Person of the Year: Aljon Mariano
Forecast: You had a particularly rough year. This is probably because you failed at shooting a few seconds before time ran out instead of passing it to another team mate. Don’t fret, my friend. 2014 will be nicer to you, if you do your job properly. In short, the sun, moon, stars, and planets just don’t care about you and it is all in your hands to make your destiny. Fly off my little pony!
Lucky Colors: Black, Gold, Black, White, Yellow
Unlucky Color: Green
Lucky Number: 10
Lucky Song: Roar by Katy Perry

Year of the Rabbit
Person of the Year: The Economy
Forecast: Man you were booming this year. You were beating your previous records and setting new ones. Sadly, the year of the Wooden Horse is looking pretty bad for you and you seem to be in a downward spiral. No thanks to a rapid inflation and natural calamities. You just seem to be all beat up. Well, what comes up must come down.
Lucky Colors: Orange, Red, Purple, Green, Yellow, Blue
Lucky Numbers: 20, 50, 100, 200, 500, 1000

Year of the Dragon
Person of the Year: Yolanda
Forecast: Damn gurl you were all over the place last year. You were such a home wrecker you filthy bitch. You should be ashamed of yourself. You are the personification of the classic jukebox hit “Tukso”

Kay rami nang winasak na tahanan
Kay rami nang mataaaaaaaang pinaluhaaaaaaaa
Kay rami nang pusong sinugaaaataaaaan

You were such a bitch last 2013 everyone would just wish that you dissolve off the face of the earth. But still, stay away from mountainous places.
Lucky Color: Dark Gray
Lucky Numbers: 5, 230, 6195, 1785
Lucky Place: Warm oceans
Lucky Song: I Can Make It Through the Rain by Mariah Carey

Year of the Snake
Person of the Year: Nur Misuari
Special Citation: Eric from My Husband’s Lover
Forecast: You were also one of the bad bitches this year, so probably next year karma will hit you pretty hard in the face. Why is that? Well probably that is because you started a rebellion against the government because you are so fab you want your own. Ain’t gonna happen dude. Not even in 2014. If you are a married woman be vigilant when your husband’s high school friend suddenly pops out from the US.
Lucky Colors: Blood Red, Communist Red, Passionate Red
Lucky Number: 69

Year of the Horse
Person of the Year: Vice Ganda
Forecast: You were pretty successful this year. Too successful perhaps. Your success may or may not continue this 2014. The sun, moon, stars, and planets just don’t care about you so you should make your own destiny. Refrain from making rape jokes.
Lucky Color: Hot Pink
Lucky Number: 2
Unlucky Number: 7

Year of the Sheep
Person of the Year: Lorna Kapunan
Special Citation: Kris Aquino
Forecast: You were this year’s biggest anti-climax. You were at the height of the moment when you said, “I’m done. I am so done.” Congratulations because although you gave the public much disappointment, you have gracefully saved yourself from shame. Way to go you. But then again, when you quit, make sure you quit for good. I don’t want to see you starring in an MMFF film with Vic Sotto.
Lucky Color: Pure White
Lucky Number: 0

Year of the Monkey
Person of the Year: Korina Sanchez
Forecast: Damn you messed up big time this year. It is forgivable enough to be forgotten in a few months time but too unethical that it got you suspended. Watch your words on 2014. Make sure your husband does the same thing and doesn’t go telling people that the government can’t help because of a longstanding family feud between the governor and the president.
Lucky Color: CNN Red
Lucky Numbers: 24, 40, 119, 28, 181, 20, 19, 40, 1006

Year of the Rooster
Person of the Year: Miriam Defensor-Santiago
Special Citation: Benhur Luy
Forecast: Congratulations to this year’s most noisy person. You have managed to be the talk of the town day after day, week after week. This trend is to continue in 2014 is you do not succumb to a disease or get shot by the numerous enemies you have. Take care of yourself by taking vitamins daily and wearing a bulletproof vest at all times.
Lucky Color: Safety Orange
Lucky Number: 117

Year of the Doge
Person of the Year: Noynoy Aquino
Forecast: wow. such leadership. much amaze. very skill. wow. such rest. much confuse. where were you. lol idk.
Lucky Colors: Bright Colors
Lucky Number: wow
Lucky Font: Comic Sans

Year of the Pig
Person of the Year: Janet Lim Napoles
Forecast: Hindi ko po alam.
Lucky Color: Hindi po totoo yan.
Lucky Number: I invoke my right against self-incrimination.

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Image credits:
Nancy Binay. Inquirer/Jim Guiao Punzalan.
Fancy rat blaze. Wikimedia.
Manny Pacquiao. HBO.
Musk ox. animalgenome.org
Aljon Mariano. Yahoo! Sports.
Tiger. topsixlist.com
Jumping rabbit. dailypicksandflicks.com
Upward graph. iskandarmalaysiaproperties.wordpress.com
Black dragon. BenWootten on DeviantArt.
Satellite image of super typhoon Yolanda. NOAA.
Bamboo snake wallpaper. firsthdwallpapers.com
Nur Misuari. vkb.isvg.org
Horse. romagazine.eu
Vice Ganda. Inquirer.
Mother sheep and her lamb. 123rf.com
Lorna Kapunan. Rappler.
Singe. en.gtwallpaper.com
Korina Sanchez in rated Korina. starcentralmagazine.com
Rooster portrait. Wikimedia.
Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Inquirer File Photo.
Shibe Inu Doge meme. Wikimedia.
Noynoy Aquino. Wikimedia.
429959.jpg retrieved from alphacoders.com
Janet Lim Napoles mugshot. Wikimedia.

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